Monday 2nd February 2009
It was one of those dark frosty February mornings when I just wanted to shut off the alarm clock and pull the covers back over my head. I reluctantly got out of bed and showered and dressed, I scoured my underwear drawer for my most suitable winter socks, which turned out to be brightly striped knee high woollen monstrosities with individual toes (they took about 20 minutes to put on). I paired them with my comfy black boots, then pants and two t-shirts, a cardigan, scarf and a coat, my Nan would have been proud of my layered approach to the winter weather however it restricted my movements to slight actions, I prayed my knickers would not find their way up my arse as was usual procedure for my unruly underwear when they were most needed to behave.
I had started to thaw out, the windows were clearing and the heaters had eventually kicked in. From my mummified position in the driver’s seat I looked beyond the stationary traffic with its angry brake lights and cloudy exhaust fumes to the mountains on the horizon, there was not a cloud in the sky and the bright winter sun ricocheted off the jagged landscape illuminating the valleys below. In all its efforts the sun gave an impression of summer warmth, but I knew that if I wound down my partially frosted window the reality of winter would instantly bite my face and chill the warmed air around me, I guess appearances can be deceptive. I thought of Carl then with his self portrayed warmth and promising smiles of good things and bright sunny days ahead, but then he wound down the window and reality bit, hard!
Yes the sun was smiling but there was still a chill in my heart and as I glanced across to the mountains in the distance every peak and point illuminated in the blinding sunshine, I realised things had never looked clearer.
It was crystal clear, he was completely full of shit, devoid of being able to express one honest true emotion. I had fallen for a lie, a fraud I was undeniably stupid and incredibly foolish, even more so that if he returned I would no doubt consume more shit and dismiss what I know to be true. I guess out of all of this craziness its my optimism and hopefulness that is accountable for my many downfalls, always believing the best in people and even when they turn out to be twisted arseholes! Always being hopeful they can change, but they never do, they don’t need to, not when there are needy idiots like me on the loose chasing after them screaming “use me, abuse me” whilst dancing out of my clothes!
Maybe its time for me to change, new attitude and fresh tactics, maybe I should become more like them, then again perhaps I am not damaged enough, at least not yet.
Things are going to change though, its not through choice but necessity my survival depends on it, I think I will start with new shoes, the new improved me should unquestionably be taller.